Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

海豚可聪明了你知道不？只要驯养几个星期，它们就能让人类乖乖站在池边给它们扔鱼吃了。

Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.

孩子就是：你先花2年，教丫们走路和说话。然后你再花16年教丫们坐定和闭嘴。

Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.

你有什么不开心的？说出来给大家开心开心。

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

意译：窃钩者诛，窃国者为诸侯。

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?

当我填表的时候，有一项是“紧急情况联系：” 我填上了“医生”，到时候我妈能帮上什么忙？！

God must love stupid people. He made SO many.

上帝一定倍儿爱SB，不然他造这么多！

The solepurpose of a child's middle name, is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

直译：小孩子要中间名，纯粹是为了让他知道他啥时候真的有麻烦了。

直译a：起个全名就为了揍孩子前可以底气十足地喊出来。

意译b：贾君鹏这名字就为了让他妈喊他回家吃饭！

It's not the fall that kills you; it's the sudden stop at the end.

跳楼的时候，“啊——”的时候还没死， “啪！”那才是死了。

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

人工智能从来敌不过天然痴呆。

Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

好客就是：让客人觉得他们像在他们家一样，尽管你真的希望他们滚回他们家。

With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.

信春哥 ，得永生

Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

直译：记着吧……世界要不恶心，我们早被吐掉了。

意译：别抱怨了，这个世界要是真和谐了，我们这种人就不应该存在.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

我曾是个怀疑论者，现在我很怀疑这一点。

If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants.

直译：如果你始终脚踏实地，那就别想穿裤子了。

意译：人太老实没法活。

You do not need a parachuteto skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

过了河也别拆桥，没准你还要回来呢。